Breaking Hearts and Promises, Ghosting and Ignoring Others
Asalam alaykum dear loves, I hope you are all in the best state of health and well being, May Allah heal you of any sickness, poverty or hardship you are experiencing. In Sha Allah any difficulty you are going through is a means of becoming closer to Allah and expiating your sins.
So I was just thinking the other day about something that has plagued me since I was a little girl, people making promises and then breaking them. Being told when I was young, I promise I will do this or buy you this, yada yada yada. The thing is I didn't know it then, but as I got older not only would promises be broken to me, but I would break a pretty big promise as well myself.
I won't say what the promise was, but I remember telling myself at the time it was a promise that I would not break and I would be sure to live up to those words. Not to long after I made the promise the person I made it to let me know that I made this promise and I broke it. I remember feeling so guilty and my gut wrenched at how bad I felt not following through and not only breaking this promise but breaking this person's heart. Ever since then I am pretty sure I have not made any promises. The words "I promise" have not become a part of my vocabulary any longer.
The thing about promises is that they are words we don't take seriously. We don't realize the value and responsibility that they hold. We may use them how some use In Sha Allah or Walahi, you use them in the wrong way when you want someone to get off your back about something. I feel like promises are basically spoken treaties, they may not be written down on paper but if they are said aloud or written through text or email, can be used as proof.
The thing about promising something, is its supposed to mean that you will do it. You made a promise which is higher than just saying oh I will do this, you are giving your words more truth and making an oath to the person you are making a promise to. If we continuously making promises and breaking them, you start to look like a liar and not be credible or trustworthy. Especially if deep down you know making this promise you aren't going to actually do it, you are just using the words to please the ears of the person you are promising. I have tried to use different language instead of promising telling someone I cannot promise I will be able to do this but I will put in my best effort to do it.
That way you are not promising the person and letting them know ahead of time that you may not be able to fulfill the obligation that way you will hopefully lesson the blow and any disappointment. We want to do our best as people and as Muslims to do what we say we are going to do and be responsible and say what we mean. That is also a form of Dawah and strengthening the bonds of sisterhood and brotherhood. Allah has promised a reward for those who fulfill their rights to others and upkeep their promises.
Breaking hearts goes along with breaking promises, hurting someones feelings is terrible and we should do our best to avoid it. I feel like for me personally in my experience as a young adult, whenever I have hurt someone it has come back to haunt me. I get my heart broken and it becomes like a never ending haunting cycle of emotional pain and exhaustion. I have learned definitely to be more honest and upfront with people, if I am seeing signs or red flags that something is wrong or I do not want them in my life (after consideration and reflection about if it is worth continuing to have them around) I will let them know sooner rather than later. A lot of times heart break happens because we get attached to a person or the idea of a future with a person even though we know the relationship/friendship is not healthy and continue to communicate because of fear of being real and upfront with this person. Rather than waiting months or even years, give yourself less stress and less pain for them by telling them how you feel or to end things before they become more serious and involved.
There are times where it becomes unavoidable to hurt someone like say for example you have let a person know to stop communicating with you or you just unintentionally say something or do something that someone doesn't like. In that case, just ask for forgiveness and if the person is still being stubborn and won't let what you did or said go , you can give them the space to heal or you yourself move on if you are realizing that the person is always getting upset over many things. Evaluating your happiness, health and seeking Allah's guidance is what can help understand what to do when you cannot avoid hurting someone.
Just realize that there are consequences to actions that involve intentionally hurting someone, and know that you can ask Allah's forgiveness but it is necessary to seek the forgiveness of the person you hurt. Even if you do not feel the pain of what they felt in this life, it could come back to you in the Afterlife, which is a worse punishment we don't want to experience.
In terms of ghosting or ignoring people, it has become a strategy unfortunately many use (mainly online) when we don't want to offer an explanation as to why we don't want to talk to this person any longer. I feel like this can also cause heartbreak, confusion and downright annoyance because you get to know someone for weeks or months and all of a sudden they block you or refuse to answer your calls or messages. In my opinion that is childish, if you are no longer interested in someone or if you don't want to be friends with someone, just tell them. Yeah they might be hurt by your explanation and not understand why you got to know them for a long period and changed your mind. It's just all about being truthful, and putting yourself in the other person's shoes, they have expectations and deserve to not be left in the dust without a reason or a goodbye. Be gentle and honest but say something rather than just ignoring someone, that is more painful than leaving things peacefully.
It comes with good character and manners when we let people know the truth, it makes us better as people when we give people the time of day to let them know we are moving on or need to go our separate ways. In life not everything will work out the way we want to. At least give the effort to be sensitive and not take advantage of others weaknesses by making empty promises and breaking their hearts. Someone will see the good in you one day and you will understand the value in the good you do to others.
So I was just thinking the other day about something that has plagued me since I was a little girl, people making promises and then breaking them. Being told when I was young, I promise I will do this or buy you this, yada yada yada. The thing is I didn't know it then, but as I got older not only would promises be broken to me, but I would break a pretty big promise as well myself.
I won't say what the promise was, but I remember telling myself at the time it was a promise that I would not break and I would be sure to live up to those words. Not to long after I made the promise the person I made it to let me know that I made this promise and I broke it. I remember feeling so guilty and my gut wrenched at how bad I felt not following through and not only breaking this promise but breaking this person's heart. Ever since then I am pretty sure I have not made any promises. The words "I promise" have not become a part of my vocabulary any longer.
Surah Imran, verse 76:
"But yes, whoever fulfills his commitment and fears Allah - then indeed, Allah loves those who fear Him."
Surah R'ad, verse 20:
"Those who fulfill the covenant of Allah and do not break the contract,"
Surah Al-Isra, verse 34:
"And do not approach the property of an orphan, except in the way that is best, until he reaches maturity. And fulfill [every] commitment. Indeed, the commitment is ever [that about which one will be] questioned.
The thing about promising something, is its supposed to mean that you will do it. You made a promise which is higher than just saying oh I will do this, you are giving your words more truth and making an oath to the person you are making a promise to. If we continuously making promises and breaking them, you start to look like a liar and not be credible or trustworthy. Especially if deep down you know making this promise you aren't going to actually do it, you are just using the words to please the ears of the person you are promising. I have tried to use different language instead of promising telling someone I cannot promise I will be able to do this but I will put in my best effort to do it.
That way you are not promising the person and letting them know ahead of time that you may not be able to fulfill the obligation that way you will hopefully lesson the blow and any disappointment. We want to do our best as people and as Muslims to do what we say we are going to do and be responsible and say what we mean. That is also a form of Dawah and strengthening the bonds of sisterhood and brotherhood. Allah has promised a reward for those who fulfill their rights to others and upkeep their promises.
It was narrated that ‘Abd-Allah ibn Amr (may Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “There are four characteristics, whoever has them all is a pure hypocrite: when he speaks he lies, when he makes a promise he breaks it, when he makes a covenant he betrays it, and when he disputes he resorts to obscene speech. Whoever has one of them has one of the characteristics of hypocrisy, until he gives it up.”
Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 3178; Muslim, 58
Breaking hearts goes along with breaking promises, hurting someones feelings is terrible and we should do our best to avoid it. I feel like for me personally in my experience as a young adult, whenever I have hurt someone it has come back to haunt me. I get my heart broken and it becomes like a never ending haunting cycle of emotional pain and exhaustion. I have learned definitely to be more honest and upfront with people, if I am seeing signs or red flags that something is wrong or I do not want them in my life (after consideration and reflection about if it is worth continuing to have them around) I will let them know sooner rather than later. A lot of times heart break happens because we get attached to a person or the idea of a future with a person even though we know the relationship/friendship is not healthy and continue to communicate because of fear of being real and upfront with this person. Rather than waiting months or even years, give yourself less stress and less pain for them by telling them how you feel or to end things before they become more serious and involved.
There are times where it becomes unavoidable to hurt someone like say for example you have let a person know to stop communicating with you or you just unintentionally say something or do something that someone doesn't like. In that case, just ask for forgiveness and if the person is still being stubborn and won't let what you did or said go , you can give them the space to heal or you yourself move on if you are realizing that the person is always getting upset over many things. Evaluating your happiness, health and seeking Allah's guidance is what can help understand what to do when you cannot avoid hurting someone.
Just realize that there are consequences to actions that involve intentionally hurting someone, and know that you can ask Allah's forgiveness but it is necessary to seek the forgiveness of the person you hurt. Even if you do not feel the pain of what they felt in this life, it could come back to you in the Afterlife, which is a worse punishment we don't want to experience.
In terms of ghosting or ignoring people, it has become a strategy unfortunately many use (mainly online) when we don't want to offer an explanation as to why we don't want to talk to this person any longer. I feel like this can also cause heartbreak, confusion and downright annoyance because you get to know someone for weeks or months and all of a sudden they block you or refuse to answer your calls or messages. In my opinion that is childish, if you are no longer interested in someone or if you don't want to be friends with someone, just tell them. Yeah they might be hurt by your explanation and not understand why you got to know them for a long period and changed your mind. It's just all about being truthful, and putting yourself in the other person's shoes, they have expectations and deserve to not be left in the dust without a reason or a goodbye. Be gentle and honest but say something rather than just ignoring someone, that is more painful than leaving things peacefully.
It comes with good character and manners when we let people know the truth, it makes us better as people when we give people the time of day to let them know we are moving on or need to go our separate ways. In life not everything will work out the way we want to. At least give the effort to be sensitive and not take advantage of others weaknesses by making empty promises and breaking their hearts. Someone will see the good in you one day and you will understand the value in the good you do to others.
sources: https://islamqa.info
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