Message to My Teenage Self

 Some days you’re angry with yourself, filled with regret and you feel as if your mistakes during these years have affected your future. You were young, vulnerable, you were the rebel, you wanted to have the freedom your friends parents gave them. You were upset that you weren’t able to travel, stay out late, date boys.

You were upset that you were controlled, that you couldn’t do whatever you wanted when you wanted. It’s not like you were shackled to your home like Sleeping Beauty in the tower waiting for her Prince. You were allowed to have sleepovers, you were allowed to hangout with your friends, go to school dances, volunteer and participate in school clubs and sports. Yet you still craved more, you wanted what others had, and because you didn’t have their looks or their lifestyle you felt insecure and didn’t know your own worth.

Since you didn’t feel attractive, or good enough, you tried to be something you weren’t, to fit in , to not feel like that weird nerd kid who was made fun of for wearing a hijab , glasses and for having buck teeth. You wanted desperately to get along with others, you wanted to find some sense of belonging, or feel loved and accepted. You knew high school was about having a group of people who were there for you and supported you and even though you had a group of girls that you got along with , deep down it wasn’t enough. 

Even among those girls, part of you felt alone even with being with them. Part of you knew you were different, you were hanging with them because you didn’t fit in with anyone else and you did like them, but there was some part of you that knew your lifestyle and theirs would not align. That would be the ultimate reason once high school was over you moved far away from everyone and everything that reminded you of those four years.

It was the 16th year that the event happened, you won’t go into detail but this was the year you often go back to in your thoughts. This was the year you reflect on, that you wanted to have gone so many different ways, you want the person you are now to talk to that 16 year old girl to tell her that she’s beautiful, she’s important and she doesn’t need to do what others tell her to or make anyone happy but herself. You wish you had been strong enough to speak up for yourself, you wish you valued yourself then as you did now, you wish you were tougher, meaner, more confident. Shoot if anything even if you didn’t think these are good characteristics, you wish you were almost shallow or self absorbed because then you wouldn’t have allowed someone else to stomp on your heart and mind. You thought so low of yourself that you allowed them to disrespect you, you allowed them to pressure you into abandoning your values and morals, all for their own satisfaction. You got nothing out of it, you were only disgusted, you were used and manipulated (and you blamed yourself) and you want more than anything to have gone back to that year and have walked away from anyone who brought you misery, negativity and emotional pain.

Every situation has some rhyme, reason and outcome that we least expect and don’t understand. Even if that year had played out differently, the same situation could have happened another time or place. We can only recognize our feelings, respond to them and heal from them. Learn, grow and push ourselves to become a better and healthier version of our selves. As much as I regret my teenager years, I’m grateful for these experiences, although they left scars and an impression on my heart, I refuse to allow myself to become who I once was. I have learned to put an invisible shield around myself and to not just blindly obey or follow what is asked of me, without question, without concern, doubt and even fear. Before I was afraid that if I wasn’t able to do what was asked of me, it would make those I cared about walk away. I am not a puppet or robot nor should anyone else be. We are not recipes, or directions or a manual or textbook that has come pre-written already showing us what move to make. You can not be picked up and used when it is most convenient and then be put on the shelf or left in a box never to be seen again. God knows our moves and steps and thoughts but no adult human should decide for another adult human whats best for them, how to live their life and use them as some hammer or tool belt to fix their own life. You are not someone’s fix it man or woman, you are not their pet or child to boss around, you’re not a scientific experiment that they can add whatever they want to and see how the end results will be. 

My past self would always jump through hoops on fire , injuring herself to please someone else, even if it meant she was miserable or uncomfortable, all that mattered to her was others happiness even if she wasn’t. She liked and helped and assisted with all her energy to the point that she forgave and allows them back in even when she knew she shouldn’t. She didn’t think she had any other options, that the reason these type of people came across her path because there was nothing better out there.

My current self doesn’t care anymore about what others think, she’s happier alone because she doesn’t allow people into her life easily. She’s cautious and less trusting, she’s quiet at times but also can be loud and is no longer afraid to speak her mind. She refuses to let her opinions, thoughts and feelings be buried to keep others calm and to please them. She’s no longer accepting of uncomfortable situations and people and keeps to herself to protect herself from those who may hurt her. She focuses on those around her and doesn’t feel desperate to have something else. She trusts in God and knows He will guide her to what’s best for her and she pushes herself to find happiness in the little things and to not let her past define her future.