FOMO and FONFI (Fear of Not Fitting In)

Asalam alaykum loves! I hope you are all having a relaxing weekend. It is cold and rainy where I live so today has been an inside and stay warm day. No matter the weather and whatever is going in with your life, I hope you are having a positive and bright mindset. May Allah keep you warm and happy!

So sometimes I have my deepest thoughts and ideas late at night ! So the other day I couldn't sleep and wrote this poem (related to the theme of this post) talking about the feelings I have:

So there’s this feeling I cannot shake,

That I don’t fit in and im tossing and turning until I lie awake ,

Is it me that’s so weird that I can’t find a squad ,

That all I can get from others is a little wave , a smile or friendly nod ?

Or maybe people don’t like me ,

They tell me they’re too busy or make excuses when they’re free,

Maybe it’s my piercings in my nose ,

Or that I talk too loud or don’t know how to correctly pose ,

Or maybe it’s my social anxiety,

That sometimes I feel I don’t have enough piety ,

Or people will laugh and make jokes,

And I’ll feel stupid around other folks,

They used to bully me , call me four eyes 

They used to say you look like a beaver until I cried ,

Take that towel off your head , do you have cancer 

You’re black and not a good enough dancer,

It’s true that I look different , I stand out,

And sometimes in a room full of people I feel alone and sit and pout, 

But rather than dwell on trying to be accepted,

I have to continue to be me and keep on a path towards Allah and stay connected. 

So when I was in high school I used to have this gang of so called best friends I always hangout with. I was always that kid that didn't fit in with the popular kids, the band kids or the smart overachiever kids or athletes or student council kids. I found these people because we all didn't fit into any of the social categories and we had a lot of similar classes together. So we were basically a bunch of misfits that would chill together because we didn't belong anywhere else.

The hard part about it is even with this group I didn't belong. Of course there was a struggle with my Muslim identity and I think that was a huge reason even around them I felt incomplete and alone. I remember I would try to stand out among them and appear more cool by acting very hyper and weird. It was a part of my personality (I still am weird just less hyper) but I was just overacting for attention and to stay relevant, I was being an over exaggerated version of myself because I didn't want to disappear and be unnoticed.

Despite all that I really struggled even within my own group. I was fighting to figure out who I was and also fighting with my own friends because I didn't feel accepted or treated the same as others. There was always drama because one of us didn't feel included or as loved as the others because of posts being made talking about hangouts where we were not there or hanging around them and talking about hangouts and what happened when we were not there. Obviously that happens in a group, some members spend more time together than others and becomes closer than others. I think when you are young and feel that if someone labels you as a best friend they should include you in everything and tell you everything. 

Looking back at that time in my life I was jealous, insecure and lonely. I wanted so badly to feel like I was needed, accepted and belonged to something. I was looking in the wrong places, at the time I wasn't practicing Islam because of the lack of support in my environment. There were three other Muslims and even we all had our identity crisis and doubts going on. I was expecting these friends to fill a void that they could not fill because I myself needed to fill it with Allah and worship which at the time I did not consider.

I think we all have been there at some point, afraid that if we are not included in a group, an event or a gathering that we are missing out. That next time when people mention what happened we will feel left out because we weren't there to witness what happened. Then you feel either this sadness for missing out, or an anger and resentment towards the people for not inviting you or bringing it up knowing you hadn't had the chance to participate.

So why do we chase so hard for others to accept us and to fit in? We are human, we want to feel like in society we have done something, we have accomplished and been a part of something bigger than ourselves as individuals. Yes we all crave friendships and relationships but there is nothing like having a group of people who truly want you to be around, who remember you when making plans and to have inside jokes and a connection with that others won't understand. 

As I have grown older, I have learned sometimes being alone and being your own best friend is better, when we claim someone is our "best friend" there are more expectations. Yes that best friend may have other best friends but for me personally I always used to feel like this person if they claim to be closer to me should put more effort with our friendship than others. So now I don't like to use the term best friend. I may have friends with whom I am closer to and go to for advice and comfort but at the end of the day I spend time with myself and Allah more than anyone else. Those relationships are truly valuable because you have to love yourself and love Allah to have healthy friendships with others.

Acceptance is something we all crave but remember you do not need it to survive. Even if you don't have a so called squad or group of people you consistently chill with or a best friend, Allah will always be there. He will provide you with people who don't make you feel alone or like you need to impress them. You can be yourself and not feel jealous or worried about trying to be included or miss out of anything. Because these friends if they truly love you will remember you and check in with you and be there for you when it counts. It won't be one sided where you will always have to reach out to them and push them to hangout. There will be a mutual understanding and effort for communication. I have come to learn this after many years and many friends coming in and out of my life, the ones that matter the most and care no matter what happens and what changes they go through, they will remain by your side.

I hope this all makes sense, you are not alone in feeling alone or like you don't belong or no one wants to be around you. Sometimes you can be in a room full of people and still feel alone. I pray that Allah gives you what is best for you, including friends that love you for you and will always make you feel special and wanted. Know that sometimes finding these friends will take time and there will still be moments of loneliness and feeling unaccepted. During those dark times, remember Allah is always near for us to talk to and complain to.

Stay beautiful, positive and blessed <3